Tiny Commoner's Melon
by Nightshadowmidnight
Summary: In which Edward finds himself in the Ouran-verse through accidental misuse of alchemy and comes across the Host Club during Hikari and Haruhi's date in episode 16. Oh and he's a melon. An EdMelon. If this isn't crack I don't know what is. One-shot.


**Crack. Yeah I would say that this is crack.  
**

**Based on episode 16 of Ouran in which at one point we see a small object (I don't even know if it was a melon or not, but it was similar. You can make your own judgements) that looks a lot like Ed. It has his face and everything I love it!**

**So yeah. Enjoy the wonder that is EdMelon.**

* * *

He didn't know what was happening.

He wanted to scream, to yell, to kick and thrash against the invisible force that was pulling him back, grasping into his person tightly with strong hands. Unfortunately though, that wasn't about to happen and Edward Elric slowly became aware that he wasn't able to do anything to defend himself or to protest.

And so, unable to physically cry out into the blinding white space around him, he did so mentally and let the little voice in his head do the screaming for him.

Suddenly he heard a crackle. It was strange, yet somehow familiar and it sounded loud enough to be right beside him. Within a second it immediately clicked in his mind. How could he not recognise that distinct fizzling, crackling noise that came with any sort of transmutation?

_'Wait...'_

Ed instantly felt alarm surge throughout his body when the crackling started again, but it was louder than before. It wasn't just beside him anymore either.

Not able to yell, Ed's thrashing became far more violent as the transmutation energy pierced through every inch of his body, making his entire being burn in a searing pain. He faintly felt as if he himself was beginning to change, but the pain was currently his first priority. He wished _so_ badly that he could scream as he fell through the seemingly endless abyss.

Then he heard the Gate close.

* * *

When he came to, Ed's mind swum. He felt so groggy and drained and so damn confused that he wasn't entirely sure if this was all just a dream.

Still a little stunned from his experience - which he was beginning to doubt he'd even had - Ed couldn't even groan and just made the effort to drag his heavy eyelids up.

His vision was blurred, but he could tell straights way that what he was seeing wasn't familiar.

He'd heard the Gate. If so, where was it? Where was the endless abyss? Where was (he hesitated)... Truth?

Instead he looked out from a distance at what appeared to be a marketplace, vibrant, lively and full of people - ordinary people - going about their daily lives. Nowhere familiar, no Al, no homunculus, not even good old Colonel Bastard or his lackeys.

So where was he?

At least his hearing wasn't quite back yet, he faintly thought to himself. From what he could just barely see, everyone was talking and chattering away. He wasn't one for scenes like this.

In an attempt to gather more info on his new surroundings (and to hopefully sort out what had just happened), Ed tried to turn to take in more of the scene.

But he couldn't he soon realised. He desperately tried to turn his neck... But he couldn't do it. Maybe his sense of touch was a bit messed up from whatever had happened, but he couldn't feel either.

What was _wrong_ with him?

Next he tried to get up and move. No luck there either.

'_The HELL?'_

It was then that he began to get frustrated and made another vain attempt to move himself, yet all he could do was wobble awkwardly from side to side.

'_Wait, wobble?'_

He then stopped. Suddenly feeling rather panicky, Ed averted his gaze (thank goodness he could still use his eyes okay) to his side.

He almost had a heart attack.

Either side of him were rows and rows of melons.

**Melons.**

He was then just able to look down at himself where he could just about see a round, yellow-green smudge that was his front.

Oh hell.

'_MELON?!'_

"Hey, Haruhi!"

EdMelon would have flinched if possible at the unfamiliar voice.

'_Who was that?'_

"Hikaru, what's that?"

Ed was sure his now green skin paled a little as two alien figures came into view: one male and one female. However the thing that sprang out to Ed the most was their size.

Their ginormous, ultra-tall size.

He... He didn't... (Ed wanted to scream all over again) He didn't _shrink_ did he?! All the other melons were slightly larger than him anyway!

Before he could fret over this any further he felt a hand come round to grasp his... _melon_ body and he tried to protest as loudly as he could as he was lifted from the shelf of melons.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING INHUMANLY GIGANTIC _FREAK_?! PUT ME DOWN!_ I WILL NOT BE MANHANDLED!"_

Over the noise of the market the two strangers didn't appear to hear him. The girl giggled, but her face gave away that she thought the item being shown to her was a little weird.

"Hikaru, what kind of melon is that?"

_"HOW THE FUCK? I REALLY AM A MELON?!"_

"I dunno, but isn't it kinda cute?"

"With those eyes isn't it kind of evil-looking?"

_"What did you say, bitch?"_

"I guess, but that's still one unique melon... Hey how bout a souvenir, Haruhi?"

"You're not really going to buy that?"

"Hey, old lady! Yeah, how much for the melons?"

Ed barely registered what was going on. "...Did I just get _sold_?"

"Hikaru, are you hearing something?"

"No..?"

The girl shook it off and shrugged, laughing slightly at Hikaru and his odd newly-purchased melon.

Ed wasn't aware of exactly what was happening before it was too late. He found himself being stuffed awkwardly into the girl's handbag, bouncing round uncomfortably as she moved. He huffed in exasperation. He was used to unusual stuff, but what exactly was this shit?

* * *

FINALLY!

Dear God, after hours upon _hours_ in that dark, cramped space, the bag that Ed was being cruelly held in was finally placed down. Still. And unmoving! He may be a melon, but wow would he have some bruises after that.

Anyway here he was, thankfully resting now on a flat, unmoving surface. Now all that was left was to escape and figure out how the actual fucking hell he had become a round, random fruit of all things.

You see, Ed was a genius. He understood alchemy, transmutation, to a certain extent he understood homunculi, he understood the principal of Equivalent Exchange and pretty much anything you could come up with relating to _anything_ alchemical, yet for the life of him he just did not understand how it was physically possible for one to become... a melon.

If it were possible for armour to cry, Al certainly would if he saw him in this sorry state.

So he tried very awkwardly to shuffle his rounded self towards the exit of the handbag, cursing whoever had decided to chuck a load of random, irreverent objects in there which just kept getting in his way.

Although it seemed he didn't have to find the exit for himself. Soon someone found it for him.

* * *

At the end of a long, tiring and towards the end a rather hectic day, Hikaru and Haruhi had made their way back to the guesthouse. Upon their arrival, Haruhi had been showered with affection from the boys (well, Tamaki and Honey) after the events of the thunderstorm. Embarrassed, shed shook them off and assured them that she was perfectly fine. Hikaru had received a couple of glares from Tamaki, but that was it. The Host Club King had soon been distracted from this when Hikaru had asked him to see his 'souvenir' from his day out. Of course Tamaki had obliged, interested in the life of those poorer than him after all and what poorer than he was accustomed to than a common(ers) market?

"But what is so good about this melon?" Kaoru asked in a fairly un-excited tone unlike his blonde senpai who was eager so far at seeing something as I interesting as a fruit.

"It's a strange melon." Was the very convincing reply.

Without another word to his brother, Hikaru wandered over to the table where Haruhi had abandoned her bag and opened it up. The fruit in question sat there motionless inside.

At its strange appearance Tamaki made an intrigued humming noise and leaned in, eyeing it with deep violet orbs.

"Interesting, Hikaru!" He exclaimed, still admiring it. "I didn't know that melons had... Whatever that is." He added, lifting a finger to prod the strand if blonde hair growing from its top.

"I know, but I figured it was done for novelty..."

The leader of the club nodded in acknowledgment and reached to place the object onto the table where he could appreciate all angles of it. Ed meanwhile had no plan for the situation, so did his best to appear inanimate.

"So this is a commoner's melon?" he murmured. "It's so tiny..."

Something snapped.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY MICRO-SIZED PIPSQUEAK WHO'S SO SHORT HE COULD GO UNNOTICED IN THE BAG FOR THE REST OF THE DAY?!"

Both of the twins' jaws dropped as did Tamaki's who immediately backed away out of shock and fell over a chair.

"THE MELON IS _TALKING_? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? Is this what the commoner's world is like..?" He twisted to look at the brunette girl behind him. "You didn't warn me about this, Haruhi! You didn't warn me about this!"

All he received was an incredulous look. "Tamaki-senpai, melons can't talk."

_"HARUHI!"_ She sighed at the teenaged rich-kid who'd crawled his way over to her legs.

Meanwhile Kaoru had leaned in to the green-ish fruit on the table. "What the heck?"

"It _talks_?" Hikaru gasped out.

"Bro, this thing is more than just novelty!"

"I'm seeing things... I'm seeing things..."

"IDIOT! YOU'RE NOT SEEING THINGS!" Ed yelled. "Believe me! I need help!"

Haruhi apparently had heard because she had dragged Tamaki back over and also stared at the unusual object. "Whaa..?"

Ed sighed and tried to remain calm. He would probably think he was going crazy if he saw a talking fruit as well.

"Look, people, I know this is strange to you, but I need help quickly so-"

Honey interrupted and tugged on the nearest person's sleeve. "What's wrong with this tiny melon Tama-chan?"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, BRAT?!"

The smallest boy's face lit up. "Tama-chan, the tiny melon is talking!"

The group (even the fairly unresponsive Tamaki) flinched at the melon's yell of annoyance. "_GAAAH I'LL_- Oi-_OI_-! _WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"_

Kyoya sighed, cutting the outburst off short as he calmly strode over and lifted the talking fruit from its place on the table. "How much did this thing cost?"

Ed balked._ "I am not some sort of object!"_

"Hikaru?"

"Erm... Not much..."

_"LISTEN!"_

Silence fell and Ed sighed, desperately trying to will away his increasing stress levels.

"Alright, now please just listen."

The Host Club all threw glances in each others directions. When nothing was said, Edward took a breath and continued.

"I don't know exactly what's happened, but I'm perfectly sure that I'm not supposed to be here. Somehow, I've ended up here through something which you people won't understand called the Gate which means I must have travelled here through alchemy and-"

"Alchemy?"

"Commoners chemistry back in the day, my Lord."

_"SHUT UP!"_

"…"

"Thank you. Now... Uh where was I?"

"Alchemy. Gates. I don't even know anymore." Kaoru managed to get out of his shocked form.

"Oh yeah, anyway I think that the reason I have become a-a-"

"A melon?"

A vein pulsed on the side of his head. "Yes. A _melon_ because of an accidental misuse of my alchemy. There's something called human transmutation which can be used to try and resurrect humans, and alchemy to make new life forms, so I don't see why it couldn't be used to rearrange a humans structure or DNA..." Ed trailed off as he thought about this possibility.

Honey blinked. "So are you from another world, tiny melon?"

The vein almost burst and he really did try his best not to blow his top again, pronouncing each word slowly as if talking to a toddler. "Yes, small child. And I'm not _'TINY' _melon. I have a _name_! It's Edward!"

"Oh." was all Honey had to offer.

Haruhi laughed nervously. "Wait. Alchemy? Gates? Another world? A-Am I going insane?"

Ed wanted to shake his head. "No. It's true." He observed as the group all gave him either blank or deeply confused faces.

Ed suddenly felt very awkward. If a load of people were going to state that intently at him he could at least be in his human form.

Oh great they were still staring.

...

And that silence.

...

Ed, as he was unable to clear his throat, settled for making a sort of coughing sound to break the silence.

"So... Now what?"

* * *

**(...I really need to get out more -.-;)**


End file.
